Kids, the Candy Ninja hates to get all serious on you in just his second column, but I have to address a most dire situation that threatens the entire freedom-loving candy community.
I’m talking about candy terrorism.
Candy terrorism can take many forms, the most common of which is when an unsuspecting sweets lover pulls a red or blue sucker out of a candy dish or bag, plops it in his or her mouth expecting some delicious cherry, strawberry or raspberry taste, only to be blasted with the unholy sensation of cinnamon or spearmint.
Certain jelly bean manufacturers have also engaged in candy crimes against humanity by disguising their licorice beans to look like grape. Anyone who knows of what I speak has made the “Where in the what did that come from?” face. Seriously, it takes a few hours to get the awful taste of black licorice out of one’s mouth. How people enjoy Sambuca is beyond me.
Anyway, such actions, without prior notice (a sign on the candy dish with an accompanying warning that states something along the lines of: “Candy mavens take note, nasty flavors contained herein” would be appreciated), is punishable by forcing the assailant — whoever's in charge of said dish — to provide the victim with a pack of Rolos to cleanse the pallet.
Another form of candy terrorism comes on Halloween, when people dole out fruit or granola bars instead of Snickers or Butterfingers.
Look, I understand that America is waging its own Battle of the Bulge, but Halloween is no time to be making political statements. Indeed, Halloween is a better time to engage in such thought provoking discussions as, 1. “What’s the difference between an Oh Henry! bar and a Baby Ruth?” or 2. “What exactly is nougat anyway?”
Answers: 1. Nothing; 2. It’s unfortunately named. A better moniker for nougat is candy spackle. It holds the entire candy bar together.
Anyhoo, I call on you, dear reader, to fight the global war on candy terrorism. If you taste something, say something.
If you aren’t with me, then you are against me. And deliciousness.